A grown family

I wanted another baby.  No, I want another baby, but we have come to the devastating conclusion that it is not going to happen.  The life and education we want to the two we have means that another baby would cost too much.  We couldn't afford music lessons, or scouts, or zoo membership.  We couldn't afford so many things.  And, as we finally out of babyhood, the idea of going back to sleepless nights, zombie days, 9 months of extreme morning sickness, not showering for days because I can't put a baby down, waking up in a puddle of milk because my boobs have leaked in the night, it is all too much.

From a practical perspective, the allotment is going really well, and I am loving it.  Would I have to give it up for another baby?  Maybe, I would certainly be limited for a good 18 months.  Sewing class - I certainly couldn't go if I were breastfeeding for a solid year again.  Camping - dragging a baby to sleep in field seems cruel rather than adventurous.  E needs me next to her when we camp or she wakes up screaming and scared.

So no more babies.  I feel all cried out.  There is a fundamental yearning for another.  That quiet moment in the middle of the night when me and my baby are warm and cosy, curled up together as she nurses.  That moment when she is crying, and spies me, and immediately stops.  When she first says "Mama" and means me.  Those first steps, and hugs and words and actions...all gone.  Our little Angus or Elizabeth-Jane will never exist, and I feel devastated and in mourning for what could have been, what should have been.  In one fell swoop I have lost my youth, my fertility, my hopes for what might have been.

I have to remember that I am already a Mum, and I have responsibilities to the two children I already have, and I am blessed.  The life style we have chosen means I can be there for every moment of their lives.  If I worked and we had more money we could have baby number 3, but I would miss so much.
So I will wipe my eyes, take a deep breath and plan.  I will plan our camping trips for next year, I will book the just so festival tickets that I was holding out on incase I was unable to go, I will book O's music lessons and I will get him on the waiting list for Beavers.  And I will breath.  I am blessed.